Financial Crisis Got You Feeling Like a Chump?

You resisted the urge to get yet another credit card. You didn't lie when you got your home mortgage and you actually made the payments. You saved the maximum in your 401(k) and even saved a little extra. You thought you were set for retirement. But that was before the global financial meltdown made a mess of your best-made plans. Now you feel like a chump.

I know how you feel. So while Mr. Paulson and Mr. Bernanke are still working on the "mother of all plans" that bails out the greedy banks and profligate consumers, I think they should add in some goodies to make those of us who have been good boys and girls feel a little better. I'm not just talking about a little free government cheese here! We need more drastic measures. These are my suggestions:

· Each bank that accepts government help must pay an additional 2.83485% interest on currently existing long-term deposit accounts with balances over $20,000. Why 2.83485%? No special reason. I'm just winging it here. After all, if Paulson and Bernanke can wing it, why can't I?

· Each profligate consumer who gets relief from the government with respect to the mortgage on their overpriced McMansion must mow his or her solvent neighbor's yard and do general yard maintenance for at least 2.83485 years.

· Each profligate consumer who gets relief from the government with respect to the mortgage on their overpriced McMansion shall be prohibited from having additional children and borrowing any additional money for the next 28.3485 years or until all currently outstanding debts have been repaid, whichever shall occur first.

· Each CEO, CFO, COO, VP, Treasuer and/or BFD of any bank that accepts government help may not receive a salary in excess of that paid to the lowest paid employee of said institution.

· These executives shall offer all current bank clients with deposit accounts with balances over $20,000 free use of all vacation homes owned by said executives in perpetuity. A lottery system shall be developed so that there will be no squabbling among such clients over who gets to ski in Vail this winter and who gets to go to the Cayman Islands.

· Each profligate consumer with a currently outstanding bankruptcy petition or who shall seek to declare bankruptcy within the next 28.3485 years and who (a) seeks a discharge of indebtedness with respect to money borrowed to purchase a Hummer, BMW, Lexus, Mercedes Benz, gas-guzzling SUV or other vehicle with an original sales price of over $28,348.50, (b) wears or has ever worn a Bluetooth headset in their ear, (c) financed a home with a value equal to more than 3 times their 2007 income, and/or (d) who seeks discharge of indebtedness with respect to any "free interest for a year" deal on consumer goods, must attend a financial re-education program for a period of no less than 2.83485 years and shall be publicly flogged 28.3485 times in the village square.

I'll take some of that cheese too.